• SierraNovaa

To Love Or Not To Love?

Updated: Mar 3

Being in Love was not at all how I imagined it. It's hard, it hurts, and it's frustrating. I don't even know where to begin.




The Beginning


I often hear how falling in love is the easiest part of a relationship. So far, so true, right?


Right.


I completely agree with this statement.


In the beginning, you're dating and getting to know each other. The more dates you go on, the more of a indicator that things seem to be going right.


In my case, I met this seemingly amazing person right after I graduated college in 2018. We seemed to 'click' and we seemed to be able to relate to one another; however, looking back there were definitely some things I shouldn't have overlooked.


But, because I was 23 and I was ready for a serious relationship for a change, there were some instances I failed myself at. My standards at the time were quite simple: I only requested of my potential lover what I had of myself.


In particular, I was looking for someone that wouldn't hold me back or hold me down; I was looking for someone I could grow and evolve with. I had made it clear to him and myself that I was dating to marry. I had a great credit score, I lived on my own, I was great with money, I had a job and my own car, and I was educated. Preferably, I wanted someone that had a religious background.

This was it guys and gals. I had built myself up to be an asset to my partner and the person I met around that time said we were even on the same page. He explained that he was looking for a partner as well.

I was happy, I was ecstatic!


This was my chance to have a real relationship - as my college sweetheart, Gibson, cheated on me and we fell through. Since then, I avoided dating for the most part and just worked on myself.


Come to find out, this male in particular had a job and car, but he was living with his grandma at 24, was an atheist , didn't have any form of education aside from High School, struggling with money and he wanted to be an entrepreneur.


I know, I know.


The proof is in the pudding and we were literally complete opposites. The only thing we had in common: anime, our creative side, and gaming. I was more into anime than gaming, but made time for both. And Easley was the inverse.

Being that he was more of a gamer.


But somewhere along the line I had fell in love with this guy. He was addictive, he was loving, he was caring and I fell for him hard. He was absolutely everything I felt like I wanted in a person.


Was it the fact that he gave me a glimmer of hope? That true love really did exist. Was it the fact that I was ready to be serious or was it the fact that I was in love with this person? And that I was willing to go against my instincts and give this person a try anyway?

Whatever the case may be, the relationship was my most challenging one yet. No amount of building myself up could have prepared me for him.


The Middle


This is usually the point at which you know a good bit about your partner, you've argued a few times (or more) and maybe, you've even had some close calls to the end of the relationship. That's more or less how it went for me, but you've figured out whether or not you can see this person in your life or not.


I was struggling here - a lot.

And he became extremely busy.

I was not against a busy man with time management and things figured out more or less, but I was against dating someone who didn't have great time management and was busy.

Not only did he struggle with money, still live at home, didn't have a religion, but he was also trying to become a entrepreneur from the ground up. With gaming of all things. In between all of that, he was pressed for time and we had not only our differences but our issues with a few woman here and there. Now it was nothing too serious and eventually we got through it.


The point is, so much stuff came up in that relationship; it was just so much to deal with. To be honest, I didn't think we were going to make it past three months. Surprise surprise, we even had communication issues! I even had it made up in my head that once I moved, which I warned him about and tried to prepare him for because the lack of job opportunities in the small town we were in, we would be over.


But a little after a year and a half into our relationship, he ended up proposing just as I made the call to move to a different city for a job I was commuting to at the time.


The Now


Before you get your hopes up or cuss at me ladies, the engagement period did not last long and we even called off the wedding.


After we started living together.


After he quit his job to do gaming full time - briefly.


After all of the arguments and the lack of dedication to planning the wedding.


And yes, we're still living together despite the wedding being off. Well, we're working it out. Naturally, it is not what I wanted or how I wanted things to plan out. Did I mention I left the job I was commuting to for a job back where he was?


Yep.


Wisely, I had put my name on the lease and made sure it was something I could afford if things hit the fan even worse.


The point was I didn't realize how much I wanted marriage until it was dangling in front of me. To me, that had made it all worth it. It made him worth it.


We had went through a lot and I was willing to go through so much more, even co-sign for this person, because I loved him immensely.


And because I thought that marriage would be the reward - a true partnership.


I'm going to be honest, I don't know what love is supposed to feel like.


But as I sit here, with noise canceling headphones in my own apartment just because he's unbelievably loud, I'm just trying my best to figure that out.


Without the marriage blinders on.


I was so willing to do above and beyond for him. I was so willing to continually prove myself as this person that was serious. As this person that was committed. As this person that was ready for true love, that I became slightly lost along the journey.


Right now, I'm 25 about to go on 26 and I'm horrified. All of my friends are getting married and I literally bust my ass and in the end, I'm not worthy of marriage even despite that. I cook, clean, try to be understanding with and about his business, I try to tolerate his yelling, I try to tolerate and get better with all of his phone checking and phone calls.


I even encourage him to check it from time to time and I even try to offer advice and suggestions; I try to be more positive and accept the fact that the wedding is a dud.


All in all, I'm heartbroken and I realized I did the same thing that I did with Gibson.


I'm sharing my experiences in hopes that it will help someone. I know I will probably get judged. I know people may look at me differently, but all I hope to do is hope I can help someone through my experiences and honesty.


Everyone has to learn one way or another.


#MoreToCome, #SierraNovaa, #Relationships, #Marriage, #Love, #Hope, #Part1Of2, #BlackLove


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