I'm going to be painfully honest. I know I'm not perfect, and I know I will never be perfect. I do not aim for such an impossible task. I try to aim for being the best version of myself I can possibly be for myself and for others. Even then, I struggle with that.
Not only do I have my own quirks and flaws to deal with, but other people's quirks as well and I think that can make it challenging at times.
This year, 2021, was one of the hardest years I've ever faced. I thought I was going to get married to him and it didn't happen. I had even switched job locations, potentially giving up a permanent job, because I tried to operate in the best interest of us. Only for it (marriage) to not happen, only to still be stuck in a temp cycle, stuck in a high lease, and only for me to feel like I'm in this hole.
It really sucks, and it hurts.
The person I do try to talk to has no interest in hearing these things or hearing how I struggle daily. But it feels like he has all the time in the world to be perceived like this by others. Personally, I try my best not to burden others and I try my best to be overly happy like he expects of me. But it feels like such a hard task.
Instead of my feelings being understood or at least sympathized with, he hits me with I'm being negative or I'm a "negative Nancy." I don't know if it's just him, or society as a whole, but why does it feel so wrong to feel? Why do I feel ashamed to feel what I feel by people that are supposed to care about me? I don't think that's fair.
And that's a reason why people will sit there and suffer in silence until that can't anymore.
Then, when that person is no longer there, that's when people want to help. That's when people say "they've should've talked to me" or "why didn't they let me know?" or "why didn't I see this coming?"
I'm beginning to learn that since we are human and capable of mistakes, that sometimes we put our trust and feelings into the wrong people. Sometimes we vocalize things for the wrong people, and sometimes we do for the wrong people. I try my best to be positive. I feel like we all do, but even humans have limits.
I just don't get why this isn't understood.
We're expected to be happy 24/7 or he expects me to be happy 24/7 and not have a complaint in the world. Almost robotic. Then in the real world, you're expected to mindlessly work for a paycheck and God Forbid if you're not happy while doing it. God Forbid you would like to do something that makes you happy at work because we spend 40 hours of our time at work. God Forbid you want to move up the chain and be promoted. It's like people have this robotic mindset.
I've also learned that we shouldn't normalize accepting incomplete versions of people to date and potentially marry. We all deserve the best versions of our partners and love interests. It's okay to have standards when dating because they are YOURS. Your standards do not have to appeal to everyone and everyone can complain about them if they want to. But I've recently learned that we must have standards for a reason and that's to protect our hearts no matter how ridiculous they may seem to others.
If you don't want to date someone that is still at home, has bad credit, or someone that has poor communication habits, you don't have to date them. And you certainly don't have to be guilted into it. If you don't want to date someone because you prefer a certain body type, you don't have to nor do you have to be guilted into it. If you don't want to date someone because they're immature and you feel like they will never change, then don't. If you don't want to date someone because you feel like they're not on your level, then don't. Just don't shame that person at least and move on with your life.